I met a man who I will call Bill. Bill was younger than I, very kind, sweet and treated me like an absolute queen. I treated him terribly. I've thought about him throughout the years and would give anything if I could apologize and explain to him what was going on with me at that time in my life. Alas, that's not to be. I guess that's my penance to pay. So, right here, right now, I will say that which I will never get to say to him directly.
Dear Bill,
I was a bitch. I am very cognizant of the way I treated you. You were loving and kind; I was bitter and hateful. You offered me love; I laughed in your face. I really hate qualified apologies, but I feel I owe you an explanation. First, however, let me say that I am profoundly sorry for the way I treated you. You didn't deserve it - nobody does.
Seven years before I met you, I lost my son to a forced adoption. I was 17 years old. My parents made me give my son away - they couldn't be bothered to help. Yes, people can force you to do that. I was forced into an "unwed mothers" home. I was made to feel like the lowest of the low because of "what I had done." I was told I could not bring "that baby" home. If I tried, I would be homeless. Just to make sure it happened and the papers were signed, they stood by while I was drugged and restrained in the hospital for three days for begging to see and hold my own baby. Once the papers were signed, no one ever spoke of it again. In the past couple of years, I have learned that someone - I'm not sure who - was likely paid off by the father to make this happen. I suspect he was under threat of jail for being almost twice my age and he had the money to buy his way out. I don't know that for sure and I may never know for sure. But, I will keep trying to discover the truth until the day I die. This was in 1976, and no help was forthcoming. If there was help available to allow me to be a parent to my son, no one ever mentioned it. Much later I found out my only other "option" would have been to become a ward of the state because I was underage. My son would also have become a ward of the state and not likely placed with me. But, even that option wasn't presented to me; I learned this fact about 3 years ago.
My sense of self was completely shattered. I was made to feel like I was damaged goods, especially by my mother. I hated myself. I hated what I did to my family and I hated my family for what they did to me. Try to understand there was no outlet for this pain and hate as I was told to never speak of it. To act like it didn't happen. Which is lame, because it did happen and I still feel the effects of this some 38 years later.
When I met you, I had just divorced. Another good relationship destroyed by my toxic behavior. I hurt so bad and had no idea who I was or that there was anything left in me that was any good. Honestly, you scared me. You looked at me like I was some kind of angel. You treated me with the utmost respect and care. Quite simply, I couldn't deal with that. At the time, I could not have admitted the things I am now able to admit - the absolute mental and physical agony I suffered. In my eyes, you were suspect. Like maybe there was something wrong with YOU for feeling that way. I could never at the time have accepted your love. I was a walking, talking, breathing, disaster area. So, I latched onto, and subsequently managed to marry, a man that was even more messed up than I. That lasted 13 months. He was abusive. I guess you get what you pay for.
After my second divorce, you came back. I was even more messed up then than I was the first time. As I recall, I laughed in your face. That's the way I remember it. I'm ashamed of the way I treated you. You came back with your heart on your sleeve; I ripped it off, threw it on the ground and stomped on it. Yes, that makes me a horror of a human being. I am so sorry. I have no words.
I doubt you have sat around and pined for almost 30 years. I realize this might have been just a crush for you. You might not even remember me. I doubt your life was destroyed because of my rejection. Clearly, you have led a good life as best I can tell. I know you have been married long term and have children. I'm very happy for you! I am also extremely proud of your service to our country and I want to thank you for that. I'm sure your accolades were earned at great expense to yourself and your family. You have my utmost respect.
I think of you often and with love. I wish I had been together enough as a person to give our relationship a try. But, I wasn't. And for that and the hurt I caused you at the time, I am sincerely and regretfully sorry. Carry my love and respect for you in your heart. Know that I would give anything to turn back time and try again. I can only move forward with hope for my future, possibly for the first time in my life.
Every time I hear Don Henley sing "The Boys of Summer" I think of you. I wish you peace, blessings and light in your life. May you be continually blessed everyday.
"Thought I knew what love was - what did I know. Those days are gone forever, I should just let them go, but - I can see you. Your brown skin shining in the sun. I see you walking real slow and smiling at everyone. I can tell you my love for you will still be strong - after the boys of summer are gone." If I only knew then what I know now...................................
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