If The Truth Hurts, It's Hitting Close to Home

I know I promised part 3, but it's going slowly and painfully.  It will come out soon - meaning I don't know when, but sometime before I die.

I have spent part of this weekend trying to get through to an expectant mother who is hell bent on placing her child for adoption.  She feels this is the best solution for this, her third child.  She has been offered help in many forms, but plays the "you all are bitter and negative" card at every opportunity whenever any of us mothers of loss try to reach her.  She deleted the facts given to her - not just opinions or actual knowledge of the pitfalls from mothers, but the hard cold researched facts.  At her young age, she knows everything.  She is "brave".  She is "selfless".  She is a fool.  If she would actually listen with an open mind, I would say this to her:

I'm way older than you.  I went through a time in adoption history where girls were forced into a maternity home, drugged and restrained until you literally gave up in an emotional, drugged out heap.  We lost our children to closed adoptions because we were young and unmarried.  NOT because we were druggies or abusers - heck, I didn't even get to touch my son until he was 35.  Nobody offered to help me.  And I mean no one.  Not even my parents, my own family. 

You have complete strangers willing to help you financially and you spit in our faces.  How lucky for you that you even have that choice.  But, your pride will be your downfall in the end.  You will realize your loss, regardless of whether your so-called "open" adoption remains open or not.  And it will be too late.  You will have lost your child, your flesh and blood.  Your remaining children will have lost their sister.  And your youngest will forever feel the pain of abandonment, of being "different".  What will she be told?  The old "your mother loved you so much she placed you"?  Do you realize how damaging that is?  No, you don't because you don't know.  We know.

You've trotted out your little supporters.  Good for you.  They have also told us all we are mistaken, we know nothing, we are bitter, blah, blah, blah.  But trust me when I say that when reality of what has happened gets a grip on you, these are the same people who will tell you that this was your choice, you signed the papers, or even the tired old "get over it" schtick.  Then you are forever known as the bitch who gave her child away.  No that's not rhetoric; it's truth.  But you don't believe me because you know everything.  OK, good for you. 

For everyone of the "my brother's father-in-law's great aunt's grandmother's dog was adopted and is happy" stories you hear, I can produce an adoptee who has suffered abuse or neglect at the hands of the adoptive parents, identity issues, a longing for "home" that doesn't seem to be satisfied even in reunion (my apologies for speaking for adoptees; I just know what I've seen, heard and read).  For every happy-dappy little  beemommy you produce, probably via the vile Brave Love organization (#notabravelove, #notbravelove), I can show you a woman living her life in pain and torment, whether or not it was her idea to place or she was forced.  And apparently, these are chances that you are willing to take.  I have no idea why.  You are playing the lottery with your life and, more importantly, your child's life.  We all know the odds in the lottery aren't good. 

If you met me, you would see a woman with a successful career, college educated, a 27 year marriage with a nice home (albeit modest), two dogs, 4 kids and two grandkids.  A woman that enjoys knitting, reading, yoga, and music.  You must think I sit around all day being depressed and "picking on" people like you.  Sorry to disappoint you, but I live my life and love my life.  Except for that whole adoption loss thing.  That is a brain beater, a slow killer.  I have to fight everyday to see the good side of my life and not let that pain overshadow my joy.  Its a learned from years and years of loss.  It is a huge part of me.  And here is the rub:  IT NEVER GOES AWAY.  Once you either take that path willingly or are kicked in the butt down that path, you are never the same.  But you know better.  OK. 

You need to know that we mothers of loss try to help because we don't want you going down that path.  We don't want you making a decision because of money which is the WORST reason ever for placing your child.  We want to see your family flourish and intact.  We want to see your children grow and you grow as a mother and a person.  We aren't just bitches sitting around pouncing on innocents.  We aren't trying to make you "feel bad".  We really do care.  But you have chosen to disregard our collective years of experience (I personally have 38 years).  All right then.


So, all I can say is this.  I wish you peace and light.  I hope this works out for you.  I wish you well.  But should you feel the need, we mothers are here for you, whether you decide to parent or not.  I sincerely hope that your 15 minutes of fame will be worth it.  Who am I to say it won't?  Just somebody who knows.  Nobody, really.  Just another bitter "birth"mother.