If you stumbled onto this page, you must have some connection with adoption. If you got past the "Mothers in Recovery" - then I would guess you are a mother of adoption loss. Welcome.
We belong to a club. A group of women who prefer to have never been inducted. Sadly, there's no way out of this club. Once in, you are a lifetime member. It can be lonely. It can be devastating. It can crush you with raw longing and emotions. It can make you physically sick. We do, however, go on to live productive lives. It might not be easy, but we are survivors. But it hurts.
No doubt, it's tough to discuss your thoughts, feelings and emotions with those around you. I couldn't do it for 35 years which constitutes the bulk of my adult life. Actually, I was told not to discuss it - in fact, I was told at 17 never to speak of it again. Once I took the tape off my mouth, you couldn't shut me up. I have shared my story, and subsequently heard other women's stories for almost 3 years and it never fails to strike me how awful we were treated for the sake of - what? Society? Our parents? Our significant others?
I truly feel that if I could have kept myself in the dark for so long, never speaking, how many other mothers are still out there living in an emotional closet? Are there others like me who still think they are the only ones this ever happened to? Are there women who are so guilt-ridden they can't even begin to consider that another human might welcome their story, and listen to their pain? I would like to think I was just really dumb and backward and am the only one that felt this way. But I fear that's not the case.
If you have never told your story, here is your outlet. If you have always wanted to ask if your feelings are real or imagined, here is your place. If you have wanted to compare you story, complain about adoptive parents, have a reunion question - again, here is your place. I cannot promise you that there won't be controversy or snarky comments from those outside the club; I can promise you validation for YOUR story, YOUR truth from the people who have lived it. Everybody else doesn't matter. In this place, you are the most important person. Ask, tell, rant, cuss - I don't care. Join in. You are loved, and not just by me, but many others. If you are a seasoned truth teller - welcome. If you have never uttered even a whisper of your story before - welcome. We are birth/first/natural mothers of loss. We get it.
My lost and found daughter is 45. So often I think I am finally at peace. But the profound sense of loss - of my baby- of sharing in her life- of being the grandparent to her children - of the loss of my childhood - and just the loss of the ability to have normal feelings. So often I have had to just shut down my emotions to go on, that I do not know who I really am and how I really feel.
ReplyDeleteTotally agree with you about having to shut down our emotions. I cannot be at peace while I continue to witness the negative impact adoption has had on my 37 year old daughter.
DeleteWe've all had too much training on how to be "emotionless". Our sadness, grief and anger were never validated - and probably never will be. Small wonder we have difficulty expressing who we are or what we feel. We have had to cut that part of us off in order to survive. The problem with that is ALL emotions are cut off. If you sucked my brain out and replaced it with a computer, I doubt anyone could tell the difference. I still react to most things by shutting my mouth and plastering a smile on my face, regardless of what I am feeling. And Anne - OH MY YES. Even now, even though they are adults and can articulate their own feelings about their experience, mothers of loss are not allowed to say anything bad about adoption to ANYBODY without being shut down. We remained silent for years about the loss; now we feel we must remain silent about the truth. Don't you just wish for once somebody could say "I'm sorry about your loss" and let it be?
DeleteThank you for your comments.
No I have heard so many unfelt. "Sorries "my stomach churns, skin crawls.Stop the crap! DO. SOMETHING!! LIP SERVICE JUST DOES NOT CUT IT ANYMORE!
DeleteApril 23,1968 at 8:59am my son came into this world. AT. THAT TIME I had never. Known such pure JOY! It was short lived and I was soon to know just how evil people could be. 46 years of never ending sorrow and mourning. There are MILLIONS of us.Yet the world at large STILL does not see us, our children or any of the damage done.
DeleteI so agree with you Susan. And yes, we do need to DO SOMETHING to get our stories out there. But, as you say, the world doesn't admit we actually exist. I personally think they are waiting for the clock to run out on us who are now in our 50's, 60's, and 70's so that the industry won't be reminded of the years of pain they caused. Not being silent is a good first step. Too many are still silenced by fear and guilt. Please submit your story. We need more people to see we are actually human, we are in great numbers, and we actually DO have to live with this everyday of our lives!
DeleteAnd Susan, I'm open to any suggestions you have to get the word out there, and get our much deserved justice for the crimes against us. That's why I started this - to meet up with others who have better ideas than me. One person can start the ball rolling, but it takes input and ideas from others to keep up the momentum.
Delete