Changing Out Our Truths

Everybody has that friend or family member that they dearly love, spend time with, and find satisfaction with having them in their lives.  But this person, for whatever reason, makes other people feel uncomfortable.  Maybe they have a physical or mental impairment.  Maybe they are loud and outspoken.  They could have served time in jail, or are recovering addicts or alcoholics.  Maybe they have a disease that people find uncomfortable to be around.  Whatever the reason, this person is not included with the inner circle of people held near and dear to your life.  Their very presence, whether you wish to acknowledge it or not, makes YOU uncomfortable knowing that your other family and friends will feel they must walk on eggshells to be around them.  Face it - you are a little embarrassed to have them around because you feel the need to explain who they are or what they are, or what the connection is to this person.  People may even ask how or why you hang out with them and you feel the need to explain that, too.  And so, you keep this person for yourself and spend time with them when it is convenient for you, but you rarely, if ever, include them in the mainstream of your life. 

I'm not saying that all people are this shallow.  If we are honest with ourselves, however, I think we all are guilty of this at some point with some person.  I know I am.

Mothers of Loss in reunion often feel like that excluded person.  I still tend to let the "waiting" overcome my feelings of love and joy for all I have to be replaced with confusion, anxiety and sadness. I know and understand that my very presence makes some uncomfortable.  Because I am a "birthmother", I am somehow suspect.  Less than human.  I am to be studied, like a fish in a bowl or a bug under glass, and possibly held with as much disdain. This treatment, to someone introverted and socially awkward (like me), seems to scream YOU AREN'T WANTED HERE.  STAY AWAY.  And so, the invitations stop and you are relegated back to your spot on the shelf, taken out whenever it is convenient.

I have often felt as though I am the neighborhood stray dog waiting for any scrap of food or attention to come my way.  Sometimes, I hate myself for that.  Shamed into silence for so many years and finally coming out of the closet, we crave confirmation that we are valued in the lives of lost sons and daughters.  I hate myself for that, too.  These overwhelming feelings have the capacity to be all encompassing and threaten to take over our very lives.  This is my problem and my problem alone.  Only I have the power to change this.  My thoughts are MY thoughts.  I cannot control the thoughts, feelings and actions of others, however much I wish that were possible.

As I woke up on this Christmas morning, the greatest gift I can give to myself is the gift of letting go.  I simply do not wish to feel this way anymore.  I do not wish for one person to have this much hold over my life or my emotions.  I have given all that I have, all that I am. If I am somehow an object of shame, so be it.  They are the ones missing out, not me.  But, slapping a label on me and declaring me defective is unacceptable.  For many, I am more than enough.  I am the friend, the wife, the mom with no explanations needed or required.   

My new mantra for 2015

I have a family who loves me, friends who care about me and a wonderful husband.  I need not feel inadequate as a person. So, no more expectations.  I accept what may come.  I accept the love of those near and dear to me - the ones who value me in their lives.  The people who care how I feel.  The ones who think enough of me to take the time out of their busy lives to take a step back and sincerely ask "so, what's up with you?" and really want to hear.  My heart and my home will always be open - no doors are closing.  But, I value myself far too much to allow my life to be held hostage by my own thoughts and disappointments.

I am a lucky and very blessed woman.  In the coming year, I will live THAT truth. Ladies, enjoy those around you.  You are wonderful, caring, loving people.  Please - KNOW THAT.  Know it not just in your head, but in your hearts. Work hard to know that.  You deserve it.

OK - I have to go.  This writing stuff is cutting in to my time to play with my doggies and hug my husband. Merry Christmas and happy holidays to all!