In 2014, it is still just rock and roll?

My son and I have been reunited for almost 3 years.  We have a very close and connected relationship.  Having him back in my life is pure joy and something I dreamed about but never considered to be a possibility in the dark years. 

When I decided to search, I knew that if I opened the door to reunion and he chose to walk through it, he deserved nothing but the truth about his origins - all of it.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  Truth to tell, I was sick of the lies and the "swept under the rug" attitude I had encountered for 35 years.  Simply put, secrets hurt.  I felt I had hurt my raised daughters by not telling them prior to my search, and I knew I was hurt by no mention of my son over those long and very sad years.  (To be clear, my husband always knew.  His only reaction to my decision to search was "it's about time.")

My son's father was a musician.  I won't name names, but frankly at this point it is unlikely that you would recognize the name if I told you. Sadly, he passed away in 2005 and my son will never have the chance to meet the man who fathered him.  Upon reading about his passing, I was saddened for his wife who lost her husband too soon, and for any living family who may struggle with his passing on a daily basis.  He was in his early 60's when he passed with much life left to live, love to be given, and joy to be discovered. Lost too soon.

My son was conceived as a result of a one night stand after a concert when I was 16. I was just a wide-eyed, stupid teenage girl who got lost in the moment.  His natural father was 31 at the time.  While I told him everything I knew about his father, understandably it wasn't much.  Most of what I know I found online.  I had contacted him when I found out I was pregnant, spoke with him a couple of times, but obviously nothing ever came from it.  

Upon discovery, my son has ached for someone - anyone - with whom he could speak about his natural father.  He wanted to know the type of man he was, what he was like, what he liked.  Did he think about his son?  Did he care?  We tried to find family members he might connect with, but they were all dead or unresponsive.  The last person we felt was an option was his father's widow. He was with this woman when I became pregnant so there was a 50/50 chance that she knew about this - maybe so, maybe not.  Turns out, when my son contacted her, it was maybe not - or so she said.  (When my son was trying to explain the nature of the call, she blurted out "your XXXXXX's son, aren't you?  But supposedly she didn't know.  Sorry, nobody is that cosmic.)  That was one year ago.  She spoke with him, was generally pleasant, and told him a bit about his father.  She never contacted him again, as she said she might, and he never attempted to contact her again. 

He made an attempt to contact one of his natural father's so-called best friends but was met with a somewhat frosty reply.  Clearly, he knew about this, but was more concerned about the widow.  I can't really blame him for that, of course, but still.  Throw my son a bone or something.  Just a little info.  To my knowledge, that was the only contact he ever had with that man.  He did attempt to contact him prior to speaking with the widow, but honestly forgot he sent the message.  He and I both had tried so many people, and really you don't keep written lists of who you contacted and when.

Yesterday, after much soul searching, discussion and thought, my son went public.  He was sick of still feeling like he was a dirty secret, still in hiding.  And, for what?  This is his truth, his story.  He has the right to share that with anyone he chooses.  Being a grown man of almost 40, he can make those decisions about his life for himself.  I gave him my blessing, which seemed to be important to him, but really, it wasn't up to me.  It was up to him.  He owed me no explanation for his actions.  I actually encouraged him to do what he felt was right for him. The truth can be freeing.

Within an hour, he received a angry phone call from the widow.  She accused him of being a black- hearted liar, among other things. She also had many choice terms and phrases to throw out about me.  I have no ill will towards this woman, I don't know her, and she doesn't know me.  But, still, as we all know in adoptionland, people feel they have the right to downgrade the "birthmother" because we are, well, "birthmothers".  That automatically puts us in a box in a most unfavorable and unsavory light. You know what I'm talking about, right?

Seems she is incredibly angry.  At my son and I.  I guess it was ok for her husband to do what he did, but it was not ok what I did and it certainly wasn't ok what my son did.  So let me just apologize to her for a few things here.

I'm sorry that your friends knew about this and didn't think enough of you to tell you.  Closed, secret adoptions are the absolute worst kinds (assuming that any of them are good at all).  Secrets destroy lives and typically cannot be kept indefinitely.  Somebody always knows something or somebody needs to know something and asks questions.  People will always talk eventually even if it is to clear their conscience.  Just so you know, I found my son through the perfectly legal intermediary system, played by the rules, wrote the letter, and was reunited.  My first letter to him named the father - I would not have considered concealing that information.   What he chose to do with that information is not my business, nor is it yours.  But, we are both connected to this, aren't we?  Me - I'm the mother.  You - you are the woman whose husband, for whatever reason, cheated on her and a child was the result.  Suppose for one minute that you had known of his existence.  You could have just as easily been thrilled to finally find him.  But no, he was that dirty secret swept under the rug so that some cash cow golden boy could continue to make money for those around him.  Lady, not my fault.  And certainly not my son's.  Deal with it.

I'm sorry that you are mad that even though your husband signed his legal rights away, he is still connected to my son through blood.  I don't care if 52 people witnessed his signing the papers, it doesn't alter what happened.  Contrary to what you might believe, adoption is only a legal piece of paper, an ownership of sorts, like buying a car.  It doesn't alter DNA.  It doesn't change the beginning of the story.  A falsified record is issued stating that the baby is "as if born to", when in fact, that wasn't the case at all.  I can tell you who he was born to - me.  And your husband was the father - or the "sperm donor" as you put it.  You can put whatever spin on that you wish; the fact remains he was the father and obviously believed it or he wouldn't have gone to such lengths to sign away his rights - a move that really wasn't even necessary.  So, deal with that, too.

I'm sorry that you feel like you know me well enough to think that I went around having sex with "rock stars" as you put it.  That's quite an accusation seeing how you know nothing about me, my family, my life, or what I suffered from the loss of my first child to a forced adoption.  In fact, at this point due to your online presence, I know far more about you than you ever will me.  And from what I've seen, it looks like you firmly attached yourself to the teat of a "rock star" and gleaned your identity from that.  You are like 30 minutes older than I am so just admit it - your husband had a thing for young girls.  And, if as you say "it's just rock and roll," you'd think he would have had enough sense to carry condoms if he was going to go around having sex with underage girls.  But, I guess he was perfect.  As apparently you are.  Your hands are completely clean, aren't they?  Uh-huh.  We have all done things in our life of which we aren't particularly proud, but you didn't have to broadcast yours, did you?  Lucky you.  Birthmothers are the only people in the world expected to discuss their sex lives upon demand.  You could lie your way out of it if you wanted; I don't have that luxury since the result of my one night stand comes over and lays on my couch, pets my dogs and watches football.  If having him in my life means I tell the whole world how he came to be, trust me - it's worth it.  I've never hidden this.  Nor would I.

I'm sorry he ruined your holidays.  Lucky you, though.  You were able to go on for 37 years and never know about it.  You didn't have to wonder whether the child you gave birth to was dead or alive.  You didn't have to look around at your beautiful family and feel hurt that your daughters were missing out on a brother and you were missing your son.  You didn't have to stare at an empty chair and hurt from wishing that it was filled with the child you lost.  You didn't have to shop for gifts and think that if only he was here, I would buy this or that toy, sweater, guitar, etc. You didn't go into a deep depression every year on his birthday wondering if he was ok, did he need you, did he miss you, did he even know you existed.  You didn't sit at your nephew's graduation and become completely overwhelmed with the realization that your son, if he was fortunate enough to still be alive, had graduated the year before and you missed not only that, but every childhood thing he was involved with prior to that time.  And it was over.  And you lost out.  So, having a little prob with your Christmas this year?  Deal with it.  I will happily welcome my illegitimate, beautiful bastard son, fathered by your husband, and give him - whoops- can't say.  I know him now and I don't want to spoil the surprise.

Worst to me of all is that you never considered that had my son never known the truth, the likelihood that he would have met the same fate as your husband is a sad reality.  Knowing this, my son can take preventive measures so that he might enjoy good health and live to a ripe old age.  But, because of your feelings, you would rather see him meet the same ending.  This is what happens in the closed records adoption system.  People needlessly suffer disease that could be prevented because the adult adoptee isn't allowed to know anything about their medical history.  Can you see how messed up that is?  Do you not get that?  Are your feelings more important than his very life?  Can you at least be happy that someone might not suffer as your husband did?  I understand pride, but geez lady, have a heart.

And by the way, if you are going to talk bad about his family, please at least use the correct terminology.  My son has two half sisters, and one step sister - not 3 step sisters.  That may seem inconsequential to you, but it means the world to him.  So when you speak disrespectfully about us, please use the correct labels. And I'm not a "birthmother", I'm just a mother.  Taking my child away from me does not mean I am not a mother.  And my husband is his step-dad.  There.  Now you know.

I truly am sorry for the losses you have endured during your life.  But yours doesn't trump mine or his.  You need to understand that all of us suffered loss from one angle or another.  You don't get the corner on the market.  It's now 2014.  Nobody cares about any of that anymore.  Nobody cares who your husband was.  Nobody gives a flip what my family consists of or what your family doesn't consist of.  If you don't want us to know information about you, take all your crap off the internet.  My son didn't want a thing from you except information.  He is curious.  Wouldn't you be if you had never met your father?  This isn't about you.  This isn't about me.  This is about him.  But, you blew it.  Thanks a lot.  Enjoy your life you absolute horror of a human being.