No, I Was Not Promised Confidentiality - Please. Just. Stop.

Adoptees and First Families are attempting to educate Indiana legislators on the unfairness of the closed records adoption system.  Their group, HEAR (Hoosiers For Equal Access to Records) is leading the way in Indiana so that adoptees can, if they so desire, obtain their original birth certificates enabling adoptees to possibly reunite with first family members, obtain vital medical information, and fill in the blanks of their histories and heritage.   This excellent video shares stories of adoptees willing to speak out to end the injustice that is known as "sealed records." You can view this video on YouTube by following this link.

Marcie Keithly-Roth originally contacted me through my FaceBook page, Adoption Loss - Mothers in Recovery.  I told Marcie that I speak primarily for Mothers of Loss.  I am not an adoptee; I do not pretend to know what they have faced in their lives.  I can try; I am empathetic.  I listen with an open mind and an open heart.  I have cried with them; I have heard their tales of pain, rejection, not knowing who they are or where they belong in the world.  But to tell you "I understand" would be way off base.  I can't understand the life of an adoptee any more than an adoptee can understand the life of a Mother of Loss.  Marcie told me that what she needed was the Mother's voice.  Could I speak to being promised confidentiality?  Could I tell my own story of reunification?  Could I convey the importance of the healing involved in knowing my lost son?

Why, yes Marcie.  Yes I can.   

The number one objection to opening records is that Mothers were promised confidentiality.  I tell you honestly that I was NEVER promised confidentiality, but I can tell you what I was promised:

• You will never see your child again.  He belongs to another family now (by social worker).
• If you try to find or contact your child, you will be arrested (by a judge).
• If you don't want anybody to know about this, don't tell them.  Forget about it.  In time, it will be like it never happened (social worker).   

I was never promised lifelong confidentiality.  I am not in the witness protection program; I have no need to be "protected" from anyone.  I certainly have no wish or desire to be told by lawmakers that I may not have a relationship with anyone of my choosing.  Last time I checked, this was America.  I have - or should have - the same rights as any person in this country.  But lawmakers and those in charge seek to withhold information from adoptees that could facilitate healing from the lifelong trauma of adoption.  This is a violation of the civil rights of the adopted, and just plain wrong.  It could help them understand who they are and where their roots lie.  It could potentially save their life.  They could actually know whether or not their mothers and fathers are dead or alive (think about that a minute.  How would you feel if you had no idea?).  But, no, many choose to say Mothers were promised confidentiality.  We must protect them!  

No, the reason they don't want the records open has nothing to do with me, my son, or his adoptive family.  They weren't "protecting" anybody, except themselves.  There is  much to be hidden regarding shady past practices.  With what little information I have obtained, the lies are so thick I can hardly find any truth.  These primarily "Christian" organizations worked the laws any way they wished - mostly unethically.  They refuse to give out medical records from unwed mother's homes even though they provided medical care at these homes.  They cannot produce consent forms.  They will not own up to the fact that many of the hospital medical records do not contain accurate information. Medications were listed but not reconciled to medication charts.  Many birth dates were changed. I know women who have viewed the original TPR and declared that the listed signature is not theirs.  Countless falsehoods have been uncovered and brought to the attention of these agencies, lawyers, doctors and others who just shrug their collective shoulders and say they don't know or they don't remember.   And they get away with it because the records are closed.


Why would the facilitators STILL insist on lying to us?  Agencies, lawyers, doctors and other services as a group make billions a year on newborn adoption.  They have lobbying power to keep the records closed and their reputations intact. Can you imagine the backlash of a  multitude of women from just one agency coming forward and demanding answers?  The agency affiliated with the unwed mother's home I was forced into has been in business for 100 years.  Think about the sheer number of women who passed through their doors.  This, I feel, is one of the primary reasons records remain closed.


The other reason to keep records closed - who in the world do you think these fathers were?  They are lawyers, judges, doctors, musicians, actors, pastors, and some plain old Joe Blow types.  They do not wish to be outed.  Secrecy only serves to hurt those to whom the information is not available - primarily, adoptees.  If the woman was unmarried at the time of birth, the father's name was listed as "unknown".  I think there are many men who would prefer to keep it that way. There are literally millions of women in the world today who suffered from the shady practices, outright lies, and societal pressures to relinquish their babies.  There has only been one immaculate conception.  I have only known of a handful of cases where a man came right out and said he was a father of loss to adoption.  Nope.  Another secret swept under the rug.

I reunited with my son in February 2012.  I was the one searching through a confidential intermediary, not him.  He had never searched.  He thought about it but could never get past the fear of what he might find.  Was he traumatized?  Did he reject me?  Oh, he wasn't searching so he didn't care to know you, right?  Wrong.  He was so excited we met 3 days after he was contacted.  Over the past 3 years, we have built a very close and loving relationship.  I can't imagine life without him and am unsure how I survived 35 years without him.  

The Confidential Intermediary system worked out for me.  I knew nothing of search angels or any other way but to try to reach him through a CI.  And for this, for pulling a file with all the information, writing a letter to an address contained IN THAT FILE, I was charged $400.00.  Yes, I would have paid 20 times that much to know if my son was dead or alive, and if he was ok.  But, I'm lucky - I had the money to pay.  I know of countless adoptees and family members of loss who aren't so lucky.  They cannot afford even the tiniest fee.  There is no reason to include a middle man in the reunification process.  If two people do not wish to be in contact with each other, one or the other can certainly speak up.  Most adults can make the determination as to whether or not they feel their privacy is being invaded by another individual, however, I never understand the rejection of an adoptee to their mother, or a mother to the adoptee.  But, that's the way it works in the adult world - you get to make your own decisions about who you will or will not have a relationship with.  Using the CI only works out based on the dedication of the CI, and their own commitment to reunification. Get the wrong one, and you are just out your hard earned money. 

There is no one way for me to tell you what reunification means to my son or me.  Imagine begin stuck in time.  The years roll by, but you are still stuck with the same thoughts and feelings you had in the days following relinquishment.  My fears of an injured and hurting child.  The grief, shame and guilt.  The nightmares and daily depression.  Did he think of me?  Could he in some cosmic way feel the love I had for him?  For him, not knowing where he came from or why he was relinquished in the first place.  Not having a face like his in the adoptive family.  Looking in a mirror and wondering just who he was intended to be, why he was the way he was.  Where did it all come from?  What else was there?  Did he have siblings?  Did his mother love him, think about him?  Would she be proud of him?  Being able to obtain answers has been a life changer for us both.  Reunion has its own set of challenges, but to not know basic answers about your own family is the absolute worst.

Medical information an adoptee can glean from their first family is potentially life saving.  Had I not stepped out in faith, had I not initiated the search, he would have never known that his biological father died of colon cancer at the age of 61.  This type of cancer tends to run in families.  There is a strong possibility that my son would have met with the same fate. How many others are out there living with the unknown; an unknown that could potentially take them to an early grave. 

It's 2015.  Open the records and let adoptees discover who they are and who they were intended to be.  Let them find out life saving information.  Let them, if they so choose, have relationships with their first families.  The incidents of no contact have been very small in the states that have opened the records.  Please Indiana, Oklahoma, New York, and all of the other closed states, do what's right.  Give adoptees their information so that they may find open, honest answers.  Not lies.  Not secrets.  Our children-now-adults are not dirty little secrets who skulk in dark alleyways waiting to pounce on poor little birhtmothers.  They are our beloved and missed sons and daughters - the sons and daughters of mature women for whom the clock ticks.  We think about them every single day and pray for their well being.  Honor their civil rights just as we honor the civil rights of every other population in America.  We love them and hate to see them in pain.