To Adoptees: What Do You Really Want?

To start with, I am not an adoptee.  I did not raise an adoptee.  I have not walked in your shoes, or lived the life you have.  I do not speak for adoptees.  I can't.  That would be disingenuous.  The only adoptee I know and know well is my son who was taken from me through a drugged, forced, closed adoption.  But, I still can't really speak for him because I didn't live his life. I am friends with many adoptees, but that doesn't mean I know everything about them.  It means I try to be comforting and open minded.  Sometimes what they say and what I feel don't jive.  That's understandable since we are speaking from different places. 

I am a Mother of Loss.  Many adoptees do not have that experience (although some do), and I do not expect you to talk for me.  I am quite capable of articulating what I feel and what I think.  Sometimes, my thinking and what you want to hear don't jive.  Sorry about that.  My feelings are my feelings, and if you don't like them, asking me to be different probably isn't going to work.

No, sometimes we just have to agree to disagree and move along.  Doesn't make either of us wrong; we just disagree.  Life is like that.  Not everybody walks the same path, nor should they.

Since that is out of the way, today I want to ask adoptees and Mothers of Loss one question:  What is it you really want when you seek reunion?  Do you even know?  I want to give you a few of the things I have learned along the way.  Some of these I've read; some I've lived; some I've heard of; some I've learned from my son.  Maybe this hits home, maybe not.  If not, like I stated above, let's just agree to disagree.

1.  Finding my lost child will make my life whole.

While this sounds great, it isn't true.  When I began a search, what I really wanted to know was whether he was dead or alive, what he looked like, and if he was ok. Having your child in your life can be a relief just knowing those things.  Having him or her in your life on an ongoing basis is truly a blessing.  But, it will not solve a failing marriage, help with addictions, or change your outlook and view of life.  Only YOU can do that.  If you have lived with the guilt and shame adoption often brings, this will intensify during reunion.  In fact, a whole slew of feelings you didn't even know you had will come out.  It is life changing, and if you are honest and forthright with yourself, it can be great.  But, just the act of meeting your lost child won't fix your problems.

2.  Finding my lost mother/father will make my life whole.

Also, not true.  Yes, it will likely help to fill in the gaps, the blanks.  It has the potential to enrich your life.  You will know who you look like, why you like pasta so much, medical information, where you get your "quirks" (assuming you have some!) even the reason for your relinquishment.  It won't solve bad relationships, the inability to hold a job, addictions or a host of other issues.  Only YOU can do that.  You will also likely have emotions and feelings come out that you didn't know you possessed that will need to be addressed. This can be life changing for you as well, but only if you are willing to do the hard work.  It must come from inside you.

3.  It is ok to keep my search a secret from my family/adoptive parents/father of my child.  

This is false on so many levels.  First of all, and you aren't going to like this, the father of the child needs to be told.  I understand there are circumstances such as rape, incest or severe abuse that makes this impossible.  I get it and wouldn't ask you to put yourself in harm's way for anything.  But often, that isn't the case.  He was just a man who walked for whatever reason.  He made a mistake.  Whether you like it or not or whether he likes it or not, he needs to know.  Likely, your lost son or daughter will ask about their father.  Wouldn't you?  Wouldn't you rather the father be forewarned with the knowledge rather than getting it dropped on them like a bombshell?  Forget the past, we are talking about the present now.  We are talking about your CHILD here, shouldn't they know everything?  The father may have been a true shit, but he still needs to know.  And your lost son or daughter has the right to meet them and make up their own minds about the type of relationship they choose to have with their father (or not). 
   
Your raised children need to know, too - if they don't already.  Don't spring a sibling on them at the last moment.  The biggest regret I now have in all of this is that I didn't speak openly about their lost brother throughout their lives.  I waited until I instigated the search.  I see the damage this caused, and I was wrong, wrong, wrong.  Regardless of what my thought process was at the time, they had a right to know this information, too. 

Adoptees, please tell your adoptive parents.  You are not likely to be able to keep your first family a secret for long.  If you try to do that, invariably reunion will fail - the pressure becomes too great.  I have read and seen countless adoptees who are angry when first mothers try to maintain secrets, but say in practically the same sentence they never told their adoptive parents about their search.  How is that right?  Secrets destroy.  Read some of my past posts if you don't believe that.  You don't draw the "bye" card because you are an adoptee.  You expect mothers to pony up info, but if you can't be honest with your adoptive family perhaps you should rethink searching.  The number one reason listed for not telling adoptive parents is that you do not wish to hurt them in some way.  Let me let you in on a little secret - they know you are adopted.  They made the decision to adopt.  At some point, they had to have thought about your first family.  You might be surprised - some are actually very supportive of search and willing to assist.  And then, some aren't.  This shouldn't alter your decision.  This is about you, not them. 

4.  My mother is probably the greatest person on the face of the earth (or, as I like to call it "Fairytale Syndrome").

Not likely.  You may be meeting your mother for the first time when she is middle aged.  She's likely a person who has lived life - you know, just like other people.  She's made mistakes and struggled.  She has loved and lost.  She could be wrinkled, fat and old.  She's just a person, not a princess.  To you, she may seem like a princess once you get to know her - that's fine.  But she is just an ordinary person who has lived her life the best way she can.  As a mother of loss, she may have a certain mysteriousness about her because she has spent her adulthood learning NOT to talk and feel.  It was her way to survive.  It could take time to get to know her. That can also be true of adoptees who felt the need to hide their feelings about being adopted.   Some  mothers and adoptees are tough nuts to crack.   That's ok.  Try to remember you have the rest of your life to get to know each other - it's not going to happen overnight.

5.  I just want medical information and that's it.

Really?  You are a rare one indeed if you go through the emotions and possible expense of searching and expect that all you are going to get out of this is medical information.  To be honest, you may be missing out on one of the greatest relationships of your life.  Or are you afraid of rejection?   You might be rejected - I don't know.  And you don't know.  But you might not.  I am not discounting the need to know medical information, but I've seen too many adoptees be completely torn up because they claimed that's all they wanted, they got more, and couldn't handle it. 

Remember my statement that I just wanted to know if my son was dead or alive and if he was ok?  Do you not see that this was very guarded statement in case I was rejected?  I do.

My son and I used to attend a support group together.  On one occasion, a woman was there who wanted to begin a search, but wasn't sure if she should.  She was almost my age, very lovely and well dressed, and adorned with more diamonds than a jewelry store.  She started off the meeting by saying she just want medical information.  I noticed, as did my son, that she spent a lot of time looking at the two of us together.  He would talk, I would talk, we would joke with each other.  We held hands.  He put his arm around my shoulder at one point - a side hug kind of thing - when I related something painful.  I patted his knee when he seemed to need some reassurance.  He said something - I don't even remember what - and I told him in front of the whole group "I sure do love you."  I looked up to see not a dry eye in the room, especially the woman.  Silent tears were streaming down her face.  At the end of the meeting, she stated she wanted to search.  She wanted what my son and I had.  That's quite a change of heart in one and a half hours.

6.  As a Mother of Loss, I now have to make sure my found son/daughter has a good relationship with everybody in the family - siblings, cousins, etc.

From what I have seen, the age of the people meeting is huge on this one.  It is possible he or she will be meeting siblings for the first time who are established adults.  They may not feel the need to have a close personal relationship with a sibling who just now showed up at the party.  If your raised children are young - mid-teen years or before - it seems you stand a better chance of having a captive audience who will only relate to this as "cool - I have a big brother or sister."  As the mother, you can't make people like and spend time with each other.  Everyone has their own opinion on adoption, search and reunion and may feel it's fine for you, but it's not for them.  As a mother, you can't fix their feelings.  Only THEY can fix their feelings, if they choose.

The best you can do is make family members available to your lost son or daughter.  Give them opportunities to meet, spend time with them alone and talk.  If the relationship develops - great!  Everybody can use more love in their lives.  If not, it isn't your fault.  People are people and you really can't push or sway people to see things the way you do.  Push too hard, and you alienate people.

And please, for the love of all things in the universe, don't bombard your found son or daughter with people early on in the reunion.  It may be overwhelming to them to have just met you.  Save the big reunion for later - much later - when and if the adoptee feels ready.  You are excited and want to show them off, but the adoptee has a lot of things to process.  They aren't puppies, you know.

7.  I must introduce my "birthmother" to my adoptive parents.

Please.  Just. No.  Not immediately.  Maybe never.  Understand that your mother may want to please you in any and all ways possible.  She will likely agree to this, then dread it with every fiber of her being.  This isn't about your adoptive parents.  It's about the two of you forging a relationship, learning who you are and who you are to each other.  Adoptive parents in reunion are like adoptive parents in the delivery room.  Coercive, I feel.  Unnecessary.  They do not belong there.  And they should respect you enough to give you the space and time you need to process this new relationship.   Your mother will feel like she is being compared to them and may feel as if she doesn't measure up.  Don't lay this on her early in reunion.  It will just be another issue for her to overcome.  She may never understand that they aren't better than her - just different.   

8.  I will accept whatever treatment I receive from my mother/lost son or daughter because I am afraid of losing them again.

No person should tolerate abuse from another person.  Period.  I don't care if it's your parent, boss, teacher, child or the lady in the checkout line behind you.  I would never advocate for a person to be abused verbally, spiritually or physically.  But, don't just shut the door.  People are human, unfortunately, and this goes for your mother or lost son/daughter.  Try to discuss the problem, like you would with anyone else.  If you don't see some changes, back off for a while.  Guilt is not a good precursor for a relationship.

I will say this too - one argument is not a relationship breaker.  Just because you can't agree on one thing is not a good reason to call it quits.  I've seen too many reunions broken up by petty arguments.  On the other hand, I've seen too many go on in the face of extreme verbal abuse.  Sometimes you have to draw your line in the sand and make that line known.  If the line is continually crossed, it's time for a new conversation.  Better to be estranged than miserable.  I've had to fight this battle in my own family from time to time.  If you can't or don't know how to draw that line - LEARN.  You can learn that - I've had to learn it in the last 5 years, and I would classify myself as an old dog.  I did learn new tricks.

9.  I have no interest in meeting my mother/lost son or daughter.  If found, I'm saying "no way."  

I struggle with this.  On the one hand, if that's the way you feel, that's the way you feel.  Who am I to try and change your mind?  On the other hand, I can't help but feel like anger and fear are the driving emotion behind a statement like this.   I would like to say a couple of things about this, however.  Again, this is my opinion and observation.  I know this will tick a good many people off, and that's ok.  I'm going to say it anyway.  I'm not usually known for being the person who goes with the popular opinion on anything, let alone adoption.  I'm used to adverse reactions.  No problem there.  So I'll say it.  It's your choice whether you wish to read it or not.

Mothers:  I don't know your situation.  I don't know the reason you chose to continue your pregnancy and bring a baby into the world.  I don't know - I care, but I don't know.  Maybe you felt you would raise your child and then the adoption machine got to you.  Maybe your family, like mine, threw you under the bus and insisted that you do this or you would have no home to go to.  Maybe you were homeless and broke.  Maybe your child was the product of rape or incest.  Maybe you were an addict, in an abusive relationship, or any one of a hundred other reasons.  Maybe you just didn't want to parent a child and truly did not want the baby.  It's rare, but I'm sure it happens.  You've likely been hurt by the relinquishment regardless of the circumstances.  Hurt and pain go hand in hand with adoption - from all sides.  BUT, you owe it to your child to at least give them a chance to meet you.  They need to see you and hear from your mouth the whys and the reasons.  They need to know their histories - who you are, who their father was, who their family is.  Sorry, but we OWE them that.  WE chose to bring them into the world.  It is cruel to brush them aside with no answers, no honesty, no information.  YOU are the person who holds the key to unlocking information that no one else can, or will, give them. If you feel that you cannot maintain a relationship because of your pain, anxiety or whatever reason, OK.  I can't argue with you for that.  But, give them a chance.  At the very least, give them the information they crave.  I read daily of adoptees who say they would gladly lose a limb for the chance to meet their mothers.  Please, give them a chance. 

Adoptees:  I don't know your heart.  I don't know how you feel about your adoption.  I don't know if you feel rejected, abused, fearful, grateful, or just plain pissed of.  I don't know.  I care, but I don't know.  There is a woman out there who thought enough of you to carry you to term and give birth to you.  She has likely suffered because of the relinquishment.  Many, many mothers of loss have spent their remaining years wondering about their children, loving them even though they wouldn't know them if they passed on the street.  No matter what you have been told or what you have heard or what you have thought, your story lies with her.  What you may have been told may not even be true.  If she searched for you, she never gave up hope that the two of you would meet again someday.  Please, give her the chance to see you with her own eyes.  Let her tell your story so that you will know.  You won't have to wonder anymore about it.  True, it might not be pretty - probably isn't - but it's the truth and it's yours. You will have the answers to your questions.  You will know your heritage and history.  It may be painful for you to hear, but knowing and dealing with it is better than living in fantasy land.  If you feel you cannot maintain a relationship because of your pain, anxiety or whatever reason, OK.  I can't argue with you for that.  But, give her a chance.  Let her at least see you, talk to you.  I can't really say to you that you OWE her this - after all, she made the choice to carry you to term and you had no choice in the matter of adoption.  But the human, decent thing to do is at least meet her. 

10.  I know when I meet my mother/lost son or daughter, we will "click" instantly.

While, yes, you will find amazing and startling similarities, you may not feel you have much in common.  You might feel a pull that this is what has been missing your whole life, or you might not.  Take heart if you don't feel instantly connected.  Reunions are not one moment; they are built from shared experiences.  In the beginning, the only shared experience you have is one of pain.  To get past this, you have to now forge your own new history.  This isn't as hard as it sounds.  By listening (and this is to adoptees and mothers alike), pick up on things they like that you aren't familiar with.

Maybe one mentions a food they really like that you have never had before.  Make a date to go eat together.  Try it - you might like it!  Or you may not.......but the point is, you now have a shared experience (I'm so glad you introduced me to Thai food - I love it!  OR  Thai Food?  Wasn't my favorite - let's get take out for you and I'll grab a cheeseburger).  Point is, it was a shared experience.  


As time goes by and you learn from each other, this can happen for you, too.  Try not to make everything about adoption.  Have other experiences.  Enjoy other things together.  You likely will find you react the same way to things even if you can't agree on everything.  And no two people ever agree on everything.  And that's ok.  You can't force it.  Only time and experiences will forge a relationship.  Be open to each other and honest.  (Honey, I don't really like football, but I know you do.  OK, can I come and watch the game at your house?  Of course, I'll knit and you watch football.  OK, as long as we are together.)

Also, understand that just because your lost son/daughter does not react like your raised kids, or your mother doesn't react like your adoptive mother, that doesn't make anything WRONG.  It's just different.  It is part of the learning process.  All people are different and react differently to different things.  There are no right or wrong things here.  

11.  Possibly the hardest of all:  Adoptive Mothers do not love like Natural Mothers do.

This is not going to be a popular viewpoint, I know.  I am not suggesting that your adoptive mother doesn't love you - I'm sure she loves you as best she can.  But, she doesn't have your blood coursing through her veins.  I  also know that some natural mothers can be very demanding for reasons I cannot fathom. But, all things remaining equal, the natural mother is much more accepting.  I'm sorry, no matter how many adoptive parents tell me this is wrong, I know it to be true.  I've seen it too many times to believe that it isn't true.  I've seen the adoptee flourish under complete acceptance of their "flaws" that weren't really flaws at all - they were "quirks" if you will.  Personality traits.  It's the old "please stop acting just like me" syndrome that an adoptive mother would be clueless about. In fact, they might just be annoyed and think an adoptee is just doing something to bug them, not realizing that the very habit is ingrained in their child's DNA.  It could be humming.  Biting nails.  Bad in Math.  Being an introvert.  Or a thousand other things.  The natural mother understands these things to be inherent; the adoptive mother views them as misbehaving and punishment ensues.  To the natural mother, they are endearing qualities; the adoptive mother views it as an annoyance.  It may well be annoying, but the natural  mother understands.  The adoptive mother does not.  She can't.  She has no way of knowing.  Not her fault really, but these things cause damage.  Like you are supposed to change the very things that make you - you. 

The unconditional love is hard for many adoptees to understand.  It has been described to me as being almost uncomfortable like being placed on a pedestal for no reason at all.  I find that very sad, but understandable.  How could you know what it is like if you never experienced it?  I suspect that when a person has spent their entire lives trying to figure out what pleases their parents, they have a hard time understanding that they don't have to do much of anything to please their natural mother.  I realize this may not ring true for all, but I have heard this time and again from adoptees.  I have also heard mothers of loss discuss how their lost ones just can't accept their love.  Many of these mothers feel it is a loyalty issue.  I think it is because the love is different and foreign to them.  It takes time for them to understand how much they are loved just for being themselves.  It's quite possible they haven't had that before. 

 So what is the take-away here?  For search and reunion, you must be prepared to be honest and open.  You must be willing to devote time to building a relationship, if you choose to do so.  Be clear in what you want and your expectations.  Don't try to hide from yourself.  Be open-minded.  For me, this journey has been the greatest, albeit most painful, experience of my life.  But, I have learned tons in the last 3 years.  I think my son would say the same thing.